Punishment
by PinguMew98
Summary: [suicide and cutting warnings] What is the punishment for failing a loved one? Sheelos, OneShot


We all sat around the fire that Raine had built, warming ourselves in the chilly night air. Sometimes, when left alone with my thoughts, I would zone out and go back to when she was still with us, with me.

* * *

_We had just arrived in Sylvarant after the encounter with Kuchinawa and we were all tired, so we made camp. Night fell, but I couldn't sleep, all I could think of was Sheena trying to have Kuchinawa kill her. I sat up in my bed and decided to take up as night watch, simply an excuse to be alone with my own thoughts, mostly those of my mother and her final words. _

_I don't know how long I sat there by myself, staring into the dancing flames, but I realized that Sheena was sitting next to me. "You ok Zelos?" Sheena asked, looking concerned. I never realized that Sheena had at all cared about me. With the way I flirted with her I assumed she would take every opportunity to avoid me. I coughed, "I'm fine Sheena. It's you I'm worried about." I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and I could see all of her troubles swirling around, deep within her. Unexpectedly, she started to cry. "Zelos, I'm so lonely. What Kuchinawa had said was right. I killed so many people, how could I ever hope of being repented? I can still hear all of their agonized screams of the dying and of those people, shunning me, whispering about how I was better off dead. Having to see the Chief, my grandfather, laying there in a coma he probably won't ever wake up from, simply because I failed." _

_Stunned at her sudden outpouring of grief, I did the only think I could think of, I hugged her. She rested her head on my shoulder, her uncontrollable sobs buried in my shoulder. I reached up and stroked her hair and told her that it was going to be all right, I was always there for her. She merely nodded. I kissed the top of her head and said something I had always wanted to tell her, "I love you. I'll never let you go." She looked up at me, skeptical, but smiled and rested her head back onto my shoulder, her tears gone now._

* * *

I remember that promise I made. Well, it wasn't much of a promise, but it was too me. I was to protect Sheena, even if it meant my own death, which I still welcomed. I really wanted to die, but now I had a purpose, I had to live so I could protect Sheena. But how was I supposed to protect her from her greatest enemy, her own mind?

* * *

_Everyday was like the ones previous. We both wore our masks to a fault. I would keep calling her "my voluptuous hunny" and she would keep slapping me and calling me "idiot chosen." But at night, when everyone else was asleep, we would talk. Our talking mostly consisted of Sheena laying her head in my lap and me, stroking her hair, telling her that I would never let her go and that I loved her._

* * *

"Zelos?" Lloyd's voice snapped me out of my daze. I was surprised to see everyone looking at me: Lloyd, Colette, Regal, Presea, Raine, and Genis. I smiled and made some dumb remark, "What? Do I have a zit or something on my face?" and plastering a fake smile on for effect. It was Regal, of all people, who spoke next in his calm voice. "Zelos, we are…worried about you." His eyes seemed to bore into me, trying to see my reaction I assumed. I merely laughed which resembled a bark more than a laugh. "Now why would you guys need to worry about me?" My eyes danced with laughter. I thought it genuinely funny that they would care about me when it should have been Sheena they had needed to be worried of.

My respondent laughter mad Lloyd angry. He stood up, "What the hell is wrong with you Zelos?" he practically yelled. "Why won't you let us help you?" Lloyd's yelling did nothing but make me laugh more.

Finally, when my laughter subsided, I spoke gravely, "I won't let you help me, because…" I looked around the group; all their eyes were on me, "because you can't help me. None of you can." _Except her_ I thought.

* * *

_It was a day, just like all the rest, or so I thought. We had just checked into a hotel in Meltokio, the kind I loved to stay in, big and overly luxurious. Normally I would've allowed myself to be forced into a small cheap hotel, but we had just defeated Mithos, we were allowed to shower ourselves in extravagance. We were sitting down to a feast fit for a king or, more suitably, the two victorious Chosen and their trusty friends who had reunited the two worlds. _

_The entire dinner Sheena kept giving me funny looks but I did not know why. Finally she excused herself from the table and left for her room. I wanted to go after her right then and there, but I thought a little time for herself might be good for her. About five minutes after Sheena left, everyone felt stuffed so we headed up to our rooms. I automatically went to Sheena's room to see how she was doing and to inquire about her weird behavior at the table. I knocked on the door, no answer. "Sheena?" I asked through the door. Still no answer. For some reason I felt very uneasy, like something was very wrong and I didn't know what. _

_Luckily Raine, Sheena's roommate, came with the key but the door didn't open. We were both very confused. Suddenly, the answer hit me like a sack of bricks. I started throwing my body against the door. Raine, taken aback by my sudden and violent attitudes, went and got the one person she could think to try and calm me down. Regal ran over to me and put me in a strangle hold. "Calm down now Zelos. What's the matter?" His ability to stay calm angered me. "LET ME GO!" I yelled as I struggled to get out of his grasp, "WE NEED TO SAVE SHEENA! WE MUST BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!" I kicked out at the door knowing it wouldn't do much to the door but I tried anyway. _

_Alerted by my yelling, others from our group came rushing to the door. "Whats …?" Lloyd looked from Regal to me and back to Regal. There wasn't any time left. I finally managed to get out of Regal's grasp. Free of my restraint, I grabbed Presea's axe right out of her hands and started knocking down the door. I don't know how Regal managed to figure out what was going on, but he did and stopped the rest of the group from interfering with me and my task at hand. _

"_Zelos! What in the name of Martel do you think you are doing?" Raine asked. She still had not understood my purpose but that didn't matter. Finally through the door I saw her, hanging there by her pink ribbon. "GET A DOCTOR!" I yelled as I busted through the now splintered door. I heard someone run off and a scream but that didn't matter to me, all that mattered, all that ever mattered to me, was Sheena. _

_I yanked Sheena down from her makeshift noose. I checked her pulse but I was worthless when it came to healing. "Raine!" I called through the tears now coming out of my eyes, "Help her!" Raine pushed me away and immediately began to treat Sheena. I walked outside of the room and into the adjoining room. I sat down on the bed and buried my head into my hands. Why hadn't I seen it sooner? I was supposed to protect her, why did she leave me like this? It was my fault she had killed herself, she lost all trust in me and with no one to lean on and she fell. _

_Everyone else walked into the room. I made to stand up but I had been shaking so much that I fell over. Lloyd caught me and propped me up, letting himself be my crutch. I looked at Raine and she spoke, "I think she'll be fine." I breathed a sigh of relief. I sat back down on the bed and did my best to breathe normally. We all just sat around, waiting for the doctor to come in and tell us she was just fine and that we could go see her._

_A soft knock and Genis opened the door. The doctor strode in and started to speak. In the back of my head I could hear myself saying, "She's all right and that we can go and see her now." "I'm sorry, we lost her." With that the doctor left. I stood there, mouth agape, not quite believing what I had just heard. Colette started to cry. Lloyd went over and hugged her, trying hard to keep himself from crying also. Presea and Regal remained quiet, dealing with grief in their own ways. I found myself approaching Raine, "You, you told me she was going to be ok! Why did you lie to me?" my anguished cry split the room. The tears spilled from my eyes as I collapsed at her feet, repeating the question "Why?" over and over again. She merely looked down at me, tears coming from her eyes also, unable to answer. _

_I cried until I could no longer sum up the tears to cry anymore. Standing up, I walked over the next room and went over to Sheena's dead body. She lay on the bed, her eyes, staring blankly at the ceiling above. I picked up her body and carried her out of that godforsaken hotel. _

_When I explained all that had happened to the Vice-Chief of Mizuho, he allowed me to bury her where I saw fit so I carried her to where we had first talked, to the place where I learned of her pain and promised to protect her. There I buried her and I wrote these words: "To all who pass here let it be known that here lies the sweetest girl the world had ever known. Without her light, the entire world is dark."_

* * *

"You all couldn't help me, no matter how hard you try." I said again sadly. "How do you know Zelos?" Genis demanded, "How do you know? You've told us nothing. The only person you've ever told anything to was Sheena!"

For some reason this angered me. I grabbed Genis by his shirt front and lifted him off the ground slightly. I know he hadn't said anything wrong or that he was even trying to be at all malicious. It was just that, he was so naïve; he didn't know what I was going through. Realizing I still had the poor half-elf in my clutches, I hastily dropped his shirt front. "Sorry," I mumbled, "I…don't know what came over me."

Genis straightened his shirt front and voiced the same question as before, unperturbed at my last vicious outbreak. "How do you know Zelos? You've never tried telling us." I looked into his inquisitive eyes. The little brat annoyed me but I had to hand it to him, he could stare down a god. Colette, taking strength in my lingering silence piped up, "Zelos, we are all friends here. We've gone through a lot; we are on another quest with each other, to destroy all the exspheres. If you don't trust us then, how can you trust anyone?" I sighed; I guess there was no avoiding the inevitable. "Fine. Sit down, listen, and no interrupting…"

* * *

_After Sheena died, I felt like I had no one to turn to. I never told her a lot, I've never told anyone a lot about me. I don't like people worrying about me. Mostly Sheena did the talking. Because I had no one to listen to after she died, I felt empty, like I had no purpose. It was my fault. That was the only thought running through my head. At first, I would talk to her at night, like we use to do, just talk about life and how much I missed her. I didn't want her to think that I had abandoned her. Soon I came to my senses, she couldn't hear me, why bother talking to myself?_

_I remember sitting at the Grand Tethe'alla Bridge and wondering, "Was it even worth living without my only true love?" I nearly jumped but apparently I was feeling logical that day. I knew Sheena wouldn't have been happy knowing I gave up living to be with her. Yet, I still needed to be punished for my failure to save her…_

* * *

And with that I pulled off my glove, exposing my arm. I felt Lloyd grab my arm and yank it for closer examination. "For the love of Martel! There must be a dozen scars here!" I pulled my arm out of his grasp. The rest of them were shocked to the point of the inability to speak. "See" was the only thing I said as I put my glove back on. "I told you all you can't help me and now you know why." Colette found her voice first, "Zelos, why are you trying to kill yourself?" I laughed, "Colette, I'm trying NOT to kill myself. It's just…never mind, you all wouldn't understand."

I stood up, planning to leave when I was stopped by Regal. "I understand your pain Zelos. Don't go thinking you are the only one who has to deal with it. Look at my chains, not until I destroy all the exspheres in this world will I be able to remove them. This is my punishment for killing my only love." I couldn't argue with him. He had endured greater pain than I. I nodded my head, "And I won't let myself forget my pain till I also destroy all the exspheres in this world." I turned to the silent members of our group, "You may not like my punishment, but you'll need to live with it until our mission is finished, only then will I try and stop."

* * *

"We finally did it Sheena." I told Sheena's grave. "And I stopped hurting myself like I promised everyone else. I can't wait till I see you again, my voluptuous hunny." I lay a pink flower on her grave and left her to her peace. 


End file.
